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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26771029">Because I Love You</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/choco_ball/pseuds/choco_ball'>choco_ball</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Homophobia, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad Lee Donghyuck | Haechan, hyuck looking back on memories and being emo about it, johnny stop watching crack videos for a sec and give your roommate a hug please, or implied homophobia?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 03:49:05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,737</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26771029</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/choco_ball/pseuds/choco_ball</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In the presence of the other members, Donghyuck laughs at Mark’s mini drama with all its corny lines plus the cheesy (and -he’d never say it out loud- romantic) proposal song.</p><p>In the privacy of his room and underneath the safety of his thick blanket, he cries over the missed opportunities and of the life he could have had with Mark had they not broken up.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>150</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Because I Love You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>feeling emo so i took it out on this fic and imma make people emo with me.</p><p>disclaimer 1: i did not write this in response to all the commotion that’s happened on twitter related to mark.. about him being religious and coming from a christian family so he’s like this and like that or whatever other nasty stuff that’s going around. i have had this idea for a long time and me feeling down in the dumps (lol send help) plus mark’s mini drama just fueled me to finally write this.<br/>disclaimer 2: i am not trying to paint a picture on how mk's family is in real life. i do not know them and this is purely fiction. i also know that not all religious people have problems and all that with the lgbtq+ community. that part of this fanfic that i'd written is just based off of things i have experienced as well as read when it comes to people who are nice and kind-hearted but still have great trouble accepting lgbtq+ family and friends.</p><p>not proofread / beta read.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>listen to mark sing while reading: </span>
  <a href="https://youtu.be/bCvPz2ue55U">
    <span>https://youtu.be/bCvPz2ue55U</span>
  </a>
</p><p>
  <span>lyrics/trans: </span>
  <a href="https://bit.ly/3joX6Cn">
    <span>https://bit.ly/3joX6Cn</span>
  </a>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—————</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>♪ 처음 느낀 그대 눈빛은 / The first feeling of the look in your eyes</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>혼자만의 오해였던가요 / Was it my own misunderstanding alone?</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>해맑은 미소로 나를 바보로 만들었소 / With your bright smile, you turned me into a fool ♫</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>“My father sang Yoo Jaeha’s Because I Love You to my mom when he proposed. So I thought to myself that I want to propose the same way later on in my life,” Mark’s voice sounds from Donghyuck’s airpods just as another tear slips down his cheek.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The brown-haired boy almost chuckles at how pathetic he’s being. He quickly pulls up his blanket to cover the lower half of his face in fear of Johnny seeing him cry. The lights were off and his hyung who’s situated in the bed next to his is busy himself, watching something, but Hyuck doesn’t want to risk it.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He doesn’t know why he’s watching Mark’s mini drama again. Is he a masochist? He was laughing with the other members about it earlier and even teased Mark a lot about it. He wishes he could laugh at it again and just cringe at the cheesiness of it all.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Maybe it’s just hitting too close to home. It makes him think of the times he used to talk to Mark about the future, how they imagined </span>
  <em>
    <span>their</span>
  </em>
  <span> future.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I want a big backyard. It gets cold in Vancouver but I still like being outside. It would be nice for our dogs- I will accept no other pets- and… y’know, if we adopted too, a kid would love a big yard where they can play.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Woah, woah! We’re taking a big step back here, big boy.” Donghyuck moves his eyes from the night view their dorm building’s rooftop offers, to his boyfriend. “You’re already talking about adopting kids but we haven’t even gone over the wedding! Pft, I bet you’d cry </span>
  </em>
  <span>hard </span>
  <em>
    <span>at our wedding.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Shut up! As if you wouldn’t..” Mark laughs and hits Hyuck’s teddy bear jacket-covered arm lightly with his own sweater paws. It’s always cold at the rooftop especially at night.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Even the wedding is too early to mention, I want to know how we’d get engaged. I keep seeing cringy proposal videos online, I hope you won’t ever think of getting inspiration from those, Mark Lee.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Mark looks away from Donghyuck’s teasingly raised eyebrows and smiles shyly.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I actually already know how I’ll propose. I want to do it how my dad proposed to my mom.” Mark feels the warmth of a blush forming on his cheeks at his own words.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“Oh?” Donghyuck perks up from his relaxed position leaning against the rooftop ledge. “You’ve never told me this story. Let’s hear it then.”</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“No way! Because then…. then i-it wouldn’t be a surprise when it happens…” Mark says and looks up at the vast night sky, sparkly eyed and flushed. </span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Donghyuck takes in his boyfriend’s beautiful side profile, how he looks breathtaking under the moonlight and how his eyes seem to shine brighter than the barely visible stars above them.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His heart starts pounding behind his ribcage, actually imagining Mark asking to marry him. He can’t picture it fully though because Mark wouldn’t tell him the story of how his father proposed to his mom.</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Guess he’ll find out one day, when the day comes…</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Of course the day that comes where he finds out about the story of Mark’s parents engagement is nothing like how they had imagined it that day.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Back then, he and Mark were optimistic and hopeful, but now he knows they were merely being foolish. They were in denial and foolish to think that everything would work out and that they would last.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>♪ 내곁을 떠나가던 날 / The day you left from my side</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>가슴에 품었던 분홍빛의 수많은 추억들이 /  the pink rays of countless memories harbored in my heart,</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>푸르게 바래졌소 / Faded into blue </span>
  </em>
  <span>♫</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>It’s already been months since he and Mark have broken up but he remembers the day like it was yesterday. They say time heals all wounds and some days, Donghyuck agrees. For the most part, he and Mark are fine. They don’t avoid each other and have mutually agreed to remain friends and not let their breakup be a cause of any issue or problem for the sake of their group. But other days, Donghyuck feels like it hurts so much, it’s as if their breakup happened just the day before.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>The past couple of months prior to their breakup, there were times Mark would act off, a little cold and distant. It never lasted more than a couple days. He always said he was fine and did not say anything more when Hyuck asked. So when Mark acted standoffish for a week, Donghyuck knew something was up. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mark’s the type of person who wants to be left alone and given time when he’s going through something before opening up to someone. So Hyuck patiently waited for Mark. And one night, after everyone else had gone to their own rooms after eating dinner down at the 5th floor, Mark approached him. When he carefully made his way to Donghyuck who had just finished washing his dishes, he looked more somber than ever. The way Mark looked and all the other small things he’d picked up on the last few months gave the tan boy an idea as to what was about to come.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Haechannie… Donghyuck-ah, can we talk?</span>
  </em>
  <span>” He remembers Mark asking while he rubbed his nape, visibly uncomfortable and anxious.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That night, they talked a lot. Donghyuck recalls a lot of crying and he can also remember how Mark tried so hard not to cry at first.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He remembers Mark’s tense and tight fists on his lap as he told him about how his family acted more and more distant with him, and how it’s really hurting him. Donghyuck knew that Mark’s parents were not thrilled when they found out that their youngest son was dating his group member and more importantly, someone who was also a boy.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Although, from all the stories he has heard and all the times he’d been with them, Donghyuck knew Mark’s parents were very kind and sweet just like their son. This led him to believe that they would accept their relationship, that it would take time but they’d eventually come around. However, he was proven wrong when he and Mark revealed their relationship to them and no improvements and nothing good came out of all the months afterwards.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Donghyuck’s heart ached seeing the person he loved so broken. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Mark opened up to him about how he talked less and less to his parents and hyung, how even when he tried to make time for them despite his packed schedule as an idol, that they’d be the one finding reasons not to see him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>“I tried, I tried so hard! There were times when I met them, you weren’t there but I tried talking about you, all the good things about you so they’d understand why you make me happy and why I love you but—but n-nothing! They’ll never change their mind. They won’t.”</span>
  </em>
  <span>  Haechan vividly remembers how Mark had broken down after that.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>When his boyfriend was crying, he kept saying sorry </span>
  <em>
    <span>over and over </span>
  </em>
  <span>that Donghyuck almost got sick of hearing it. Especially when he knew the unspoken words behind all of Mark’s apologies.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I’m sorry that I can’t live without my family.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sorry because we will never experience the future that we always talked about and imagined.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Sorry that everything turned out like this.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I’m sorry because I’m leaving you, that there will no longer be an ‘us.’</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>I’m sorry that I’m breaking your heart.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>♪ 어제는 떠난 그대를 /  You, who left yesterday,</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>잊지 못하는 내가 미웠죠 / I hated myself who could not forget about you</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>하지만 이제 깨달아요 / But I now realize</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>그대만의 나였음을 / I could say I was yours only </span>
  </em>
  <span>♫</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Donghyuck lays on his bed and closes his eyes, remembering holding his boyfriend’s balled up fists as the older boy sobbed and how he cried just as much with him.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It didn’t cross his mind when they started their relationship that he’d become a big barrier that would come between Mark and his family. He never wanted to be a reason for Mark to lose his close and precious relationship with his family. He understood that family’s one of the things, if not the top most thing, that Mark values in life. He understood that Mark could never live a life without the love and great bond with his family that he grew up with and has always known.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>That’s why when Mark kept saying he was sorry, he also never stopped telling him that it was okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>♪ 다시 돌아온 그대위해 / For you who is coming back</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>내 모든 것 드릴테요 / I will give my everything</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>우리 이대로 영원히 /  For us to be as it is forever</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>헤어지지 않으리 / shall not be apart </span>
  </em>
  <span>♫</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>Now by himself, listening to the song Mark’s singing in his mini drama, Donghyuck thinks it’s quite ironic how he relates to the song and its lyrics. (The song that Mark wants to sing when he proposes... but not to him, not anymore.) Or at least he connects with the first part of the song, because the latter part he cannot relate to. </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because Mark is not coming back to him. They will </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> not be apart and they no longer will be together forever no matter how much Donghyuck wanted it so.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>But it's okay. He did not fight or argue with Mark’s decision and he let him go because the elder never would have been completely happy with him if being with him meant losing his family. Donghyuck quietly endured— is still enduring all the heartbreak and pain without protest for Mark.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>With Mark’s voice softly and slowly nearing the end of the song, Donghyuck pulls his blanket all the way up to conceal his face.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>He clenches his eyes shut and presses his lips together to prevent the sobs threatening to leave him.</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>♪ 나 오직 그대만을 / only you</span>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>
    <span>사랑하기 때문에 / because I do love you ♫</span>
  </em>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>The song ends and he abruptly locks his phone and clutches the device tight to his chest.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>It’s okay. He’s okay.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because he did it all for Mark.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Because he loves Mark.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>—— 끝/end ——</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok now time to be sad together, guys. come here and we’ll all be emo together 😔🤧 i honestly love angst but hate (reading) sad endings so idk why so many of the fic ideas that go through my head are angst with sad endings.  &gt;&lt; haha</p><p>but i hope whoever’s reading still enjoyed this sad fic. kudos and comments are greatly appreciated 🖤</p><p> </p><p>  <a href="https://twitter.com/xiah">twitter</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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